We all have expectations about ourselves - ‘if I reach this weight, I will feel happy in a bikini’, but then you reach that weight and it’s still not good enough or when you don’t reach the weight, you beat yourself up.
We have expectations about others - ‘I always drop everything for my friends, so they better do the same for me’, and then when you ask something, they say they can’t that day. Which to be fair, is always an option and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good friend or that they don’t see you as a good friend.
And we’re also familiar with the feeling of trying to live up to expectations we THINK other people have of us - ‘if I don’t get that job, they will think I’m a loser’. And we know too damn well the feeling of disappointment, unworthiness, or shame that follows.
When we’re feeling like this, we aren’t in a state of mind to take action that will actually help us. Because this way we will act from a place of insecurity, of frustration, of disappointment. In that place, we don’t truly believe in ourselves, in what we have to offer, and in what we can do. So then it will be very hard for others to believe in us too.
According to Brene Brown, we invite feelings of shame when we develop expectations and base our opinions of ourselves on meeting those expectations. We then basically let our happiness and worthiness be dependent on others. And that’s when we set ourselves up for resentment.
So it’s really important to become aware of the expectations we have. When we’re aware of it, we are able to notice it and examine/question it. Then we will be able to choose differently.
In light of this, I came up with this little exercise ‘the expectation detector’:
Write down 2 or 3 expectations you have of someone else
Write down 2 or 3 expectations you have of yourself
Write down 2 or 3 expectations you THINK someone else has of you
Now read them over and ask yourself:
Are these expectations serving me in any way?
Can I control these expectations/are they realistic?
What would I say to my partner or my best friend when they would tell me they have these expectations?
If your answer to the first two questions is ‘no’, ‘not really’ (or for the debaters under us: ‘depends on the situations/how you look at it’), there is a big chance of you holding yourself back.
Look at the response you gave to the third question for inspiration on how you can reframe your expectations in a way that WILL serve you, that will leave you feeling inspired and motivated.
Now write this down somewhere you’ll see it every day.
So you will be able to take action from a place you CAN believe in yourself, in your skills, and abilities. From a place you TRULY believe that your happiness or worthiness doesn’t depend on the result or on others.
Let me know in the comments how you’ve experienced the exercise!
