Embrace the suck

I was listening to an episode of the Unlocking Us podcast this morning during my run. In this episode, Brené Brown revisited FFT’s (F*cking First Times) and she mentions that FFT’s are never going away. There will always be new FFT’s, but knowing this does not automatically mean that they get easier or take less out of us. Because let’s face it, trying things for the first time always brings some level of nervousness and awkwardness. 

But it does mean that we have to normalize discomfort, even go as far as expecting it. And with this, we have to respect the awkwardness and our inadequateness when trying things for the first time.

This means that sometimes, instead of reacting to FFT’s, we have to proactively choose them. We have to choose courage over comfort. We have to choose to be the learner instead of being the knower.  We have to choose to be new at something. And while choosing this, we have to be compassionate with ourselves and others who are trying new things.

In other words: we have to embrace the suck. 

So how do we do this? 

Brené talks about 5 strategies that help her recover from F*cking First Times and how to (kind of) prepare for the ones in the future.

1. Name it.
   Saying out loud that we are trying things for the first time, that we are new at it and that we think it is hard or that we feel uncomfortable.
   I know for me it does bring me relief when I just come out and say that I find something scary or that I am nervous. Then it is out in the open and I do not feel the need anymore to overthink and thus make it bigger in my head. 

2. Give it perspective.
   Reminding ourselves that this experience is not a permanent state we will live in forever. It will end and we do have evidence that we made it through other FFT’s. 

3. Reality check/expectations.
   Look at what it is that you are trying and manage your expectations around it.
   For example, lately, I have been watching quite some Korean series/movies and I was intrigued by the language. So much so that I decided to learn the language. So reality check: it has a completely different alphabet, I first have to learn to decipher the different letters before starting to learn the vocabulary. So of course I can not expect to be fluent within two weeks. 

4. Build in rest and recovery.
   It is important to get enough downtime and sleep. Sleep is so important for our brain and we all know we can not function well if we sleep too little on a regular basis.
   For example, I know how I feel after traveling to the Netherlands and I am basically skipping a night of sleep. After being awake for 35 hours I did feel tipsy :P

5. Stay in fit FFT condition.
   Brené says that this is hard to determine and might look different for everyone. But she does mention something interesting about having a sense of neutrality (she refers to a passage written in the Alcoholic Anonymous Big Book). To neither run towards the thing we are craving, nor run away from it. She says, in order to do this we have to be spiritually fit. Or how I like to think about it, we have to have a fit mind. And for me, this means that I need to build in work-outs and regular walks outside the house. Because for me, I notice a big difference in my mind when I do these things than when I am at home all day. 

You can listen to the full episode here - I highly recommend it. It did give me some new insights, motivation, and strategy to embrace the suck. I hope it does the same for you (let me know in the comments). 

And I do think this is the perfect way to end 2020 and look forward to the new year, full of F*cking First Times!

Brain training

My brain is a busy bee, she is always busy thinking and coming up with ways to ‘protect’ me. She does not like it when I want to try new and unfamiliar things because it could potentially mean I could get hurt or be in danger. Instead, she likes it when I stay within my comfort zone.  And I am certain that my brain is not the only busy bee out there ;)  

Of course, we all know that this is not where actual life happens. It is not where we grow, learn new things, and gain new experiences. 

However, it is not a surprise that our brain acts this way when stepping into an unfamiliar, unknown, or new situation. Because this is when our amygdala (an almond-shaped part of the brain’s limbic system) takes over and rings the alarm. Our brain comes up with some default thoughts in order to prevent us from going down that new road. We then simply react to signals and impulses in our brain and often this is when we go into flight, fight or freeze mode. Historically this was once very useful, but today it often no longer serves us. 

Our prefrontal cortex, which is the ‘newer’, rational part of the brain located in the frontal lobes and the part where the reasoning, judgment, decision making, and planning happens, gets bypassed. Luckily for us, a lot of research has been done around neuroplasticity and we have learned that our brain has the ability to change. Researchers discovered that our brain changes in response to the experiences we have, the life we lead, and the thoughts we think. 

A bit of a paradox right?! We need new experiences, step into unfamiliar situations, and think new thoughts in order to re-train our brain. 

This means that we have to come up with ways to calm down our brain when we notice our default thoughts and limiting beliefs coming up and respond to it with more serving thoughts and beliefs. So how do we do this? 

What has helped me (and believe me, it is something I am continuously working on) are some of the following things:

• Raising awareness. What I mean is, getting to know that part of your brain and the thoughts/beliefs it tells you. How you can do this is by writing down your thoughts on a regular basis. This way you will get an overview of your thoughts, what thoughts are recurring, and therefore your default thoughts. You can also apply this to a specific situation. 

• Name that part of your brain. Often when we hear those thoughts, we think those are who we are as a person. By giving that part of your brain a name, helps disconnect from it. For example, I have named that part of my brain Judgy B. So whenever Judgy B comes up with un-serving thoughts, that I am now aware of, I can call her out. I can talk to her as if I would talk to a friend. And I thank her for the input and also tell her that this is not how I am doing things anymore. 

• Replacing thoughts. Since you have raised your awareness, and you have given that part of your brain a name, you also can come up with thoughts or ways that would be more serving to you. You know what you would like to do, you know what you would want, so what are thoughts that might help you get there. Make those thoughts believable, do not go from 0-100, but opt for an in-between. 

Also, do not forget to breathe in between. Whenever you notice limiting beliefs or un-serving thoughts come up, make sure to take a couple of deep breaths before jumping into replacing your thoughts. 

As an example of all of the above: when my brain tells me that I am not skilled or experienced enough to be hired by a company, I would normally beat myself up for it because I would believe this to be the truth. When I believe that I am this unskilled and inexperienced person, I am not comfortable putting myself out there and I probably won’t take any action applying for jobs. 

However, now I am aware of those thoughts that Judgy B is telling me, I can say: “I hear you and thank you, and although I might not have all the skills or experience (which in itself is pretty impossible anyway) I do believe I can learn new things”. So I can look into what I need to learn in order to get the job that I want. Which will lead to me taking thoughtful action and moving myself forward. 

Will you give this a try? 

And please do share with me in the comments (or through e-mail if that is more comfortable for you) what opens up for you when you do.

Back from Summer break

This year has definitely not been what we all expected it to be. For me, this year was supposed to be all about travel and spending more time with our family and friends in the Netherlands. 

However, because of COVID all of our (travel) plans had to be canceled/put on hold. And while in the beginning, it all felt temporary (I kind of thought everything would be up and running again in no time), it turned out to be something we now perhaps call our ‘new normal’. 

And like with a lot of unexpected things, I went through a full spectrum of emotions. From ‘we got this’, it is temporary’, ‘there are still opportunities’, to despair of ‘it is never-ending’, and grieving the loss of plans and experiences with loved ones overseas. I noticed I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, and I was constantly telling myself to not complain about my situation since I am privileged and there are so many other people who have actual things to complain about. 

When becoming aware of this, I asked myself what I needed in this moment and I decided to take on a slower pace. To take some time to re-organize my feelings, my thoughts, and my priorities. Additionally, Gordon and I decided to move to the other side of Canada. 

By having taken this time and pivoting in this way, I am again feeling excited, inspired, and ready to take on the rest of 2020 from Vancouver! 

So no matter what or how you are feeling, I want to encourage you to take some time for yourself. To let go of what you think you SHOULD be doing, but instead to give yourself what you NEED and WANT. 

And if you did, what would that be? 

The impact of listening

At the beginning of this month, I listened to Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us, the two episodes with Harriet Lerner about how to apologize and why apologizing matters. Naturally, they also spoke about having (hard) conversations with other people, how we’re often not really listening to that other person and the mischief of defensiveness.  

This episode really got me thinking about (hard) conversations I’ve had in my life and the way I approached the other person and also the way other people approached me.

And it got me wondering, how come we all feel the need to be heard and seen, but often we don’t do our best to truly see or hear other people? 

Harriet said the following: ‘we all want to protect our favorite outside image of ourselves’. 
And I think this is what is actually at the center of it. Nobody wants to be seen as a ‘bad’ person, we all want to be liked. 

Because, when we approach listening in order to understand, we might come to the conclusion that we’ve had it wrong all along. We might have to re-examen how we’ve been doing things or how we’ve seen things. With truly listening to someone else’s lived experience, you run the risk of needing to change your own beliefs and we might have to admit this and apologize for it. It might mean that we have to go against everything we thought was true or rebel against how we’ve been raised. Which is a whole lot harder than staying in our comfort zone. 

So I think it all starts with listening. Listening to understand. Then the next step will be the ability to change your mind and/or apologize. 

Think about a moment in your life when you truly felt heard and seen. How did you feel in that moment? Won’t you want that for someone else as well?

*In light of the Black lives matter movement, I want to encourage you to start listening (if you haven’t already) to Black people’s lived experiences. To truly hear their experiences in order to learn and do better.
I am participating in a reading circle, working my way through Me And White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad and I highly recommend purchasing her book and working your way through it.

My GEM experience

This weekend I attended the GEM Conference and besides connecting with like-minded women and talking all things business, entrepreneurship, social media, content planning, there was also space to talk about the movement for Black lives matter. 

So before heading into what questions I’ve noticed coming up a lot, I want to talk about Black lives matter first. Because who am I, as an empowerment coach, to stay silent, to not speak up. So I decided to use my words and hopefully make a difference.

I’m not going to say that I understand, because I can’t. I’m white. I’m privileged. I can’t even begin to understand.
I’m also not going to say how I feel, because it’s not about me. It’s about the lives of Black people. 

I will say that I will continue to learn and unlearn. I will educate myself on how to be actively antiracist, and I will listen to Black people sharing their experiences. I am willing to get uncomfortable. And I want to ask you to do the same. 

Here you’ll find some incredible women, educators, and recourses you can START with:

• Layla F. Saad

• Avery Francis

• Jam Gamble

• Komal Minhas

• How to be an Ally

• How to be an antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

• Anti-racism activists, educators, and recourses

• Google is your best friend, so make sure to start with googling things first. 

*I know there is still so much I have to learn and unlearn.

---

The GEM conference also left me with other things to think about. And during the talks and the overflowing chatbox, I noticed that getting clear on your values (either for our personal or professional life) and on how to figure out your values is something that kept popping up.

And I believe that knowing what our values are, what is important to us, is the foundation for everything. For when we want to start or have started our own business, for when we are about to make some (big) decisions in our job or personal life. Because when we know what our values are, we can quickly assess if a certain decision will honor our values or not. This doesn’t mean that the decision itself will be an easy one, but we will feel it into our core when we’re not living in accordance with our values. 

So where do you start when figuring out your values?
Start with thinking about a moment or situation in your life when you felt hopeful. When you felt excited about your dreams, for the things in your life and for yourself. When you felt on top of your world and you were looking forward to the day ahead of you. When you felt like everything fell into place.

Now write down everything you remember about this moment. What you were doing, who was around you, where you were, what your impact was on those around you, what emotions you were feeling. Also include what you remember about the smells, about the colors, music maybe. 

Once you’re done writing everything down, read over what you wrote down and start looking for the values hidden in your story. 

I would love to hear what values came up for you, so make sure to leave them in the comments.

The expectation detector

We all have expectations about ourselves - ‘if I reach this weight, I will feel happy in a bikini’, but then you reach that weight and it’s still not good enough or when you don’t reach the weight, you beat yourself up. 

We have expectations about others - ‘I always drop everything for my friends, so they better do the same for me’, and then when you ask something, they say they can’t that day. Which to be fair, is always an option and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good friend or that they don’t see you as a good friend.

And we’re also familiar with the feeling of trying to live up to expectations we THINK other people have of us - ‘if I don’t get that job, they will think I’m a loser’. And we know too damn well the feeling of disappointment, unworthiness, or shame that follows. 

When we’re feeling like this, we aren’t in a state of mind to take action that will actually help us. Because this way we will act from a place of insecurity, of frustration, of disappointment. In that place, we don’t truly believe in ourselves, in what we have to offer, and in what we can do. So then it will be very hard for others to believe in us too. 

According to Brene Brown, we invite feelings of shame when we develop expectations and base our opinions of ourselves on meeting those expectations. We then basically let our happiness and worthiness be dependent on others. And that’s when we set ourselves up for resentment.

So it’s really important to become aware of the expectations we have. When we’re aware of it, we are able to notice it and examine/question it. Then we will be able to choose differently. 

In light of this, I came up with this little exercise ‘the expectation detector’:

• Write down 2 or 3 expectations you have of someone else

• Write down 2 or 3 expectations you have of yourself

• Write down 2 or 3 expectations you THINK someone else has of you

Now read them over and ask yourself: 

• Are these expectations serving me in any way?

• Can I control these expectations/are they realistic? 

• What would I say to my partner or my best friend when they would tell me they have these expectations?

If your answer to the first two questions is ‘no’, ‘not really’ (or for the debaters under us: ‘depends on the situations/how you look at it’), there is a big chance of you holding yourself back. 

Look at the response you gave to the third question for inspiration on how you can reframe your expectations in a way that WILL serve you, that will leave you feeling inspired and motivated.

Now write this down somewhere you’ll see it every day. 
So you will be able to take action from a place you CAN believe in yourself, in your skills, and abilities. From a place you TRULY believe that your happiness or worthiness doesn’t depend on the result or on others. 

Let me know in the comments how you’ve experienced the exercise!

Living in 'The Upside Down'

It almost feels like we went from living in ‘the real world’ to a parallel dimension. Like suddenly living in The Upside Down (from Stranger Things) or being sucked into the Jumanji game. Everything is kind of the same, but different. To me, these past couple of weeks have felt surreal. I felt a lot of feelings: in the beginning, I felt confusion, stress, sadness, and fear and then it slowly transitioned to gratitude, love, connection and safe. 

I was able to transform my feelings because I became aware of my thoughts. In the beginning, I went into a panic mode and sympathy mode. I thought things like:
“What about my coaching practice, no new clients would want to work with me in a time like this.”
“Everyone is struggling financially, nobody wants to invest in themselves.” 
“Now we can’t help my parents and parents-in-law. Now we’re not there for them”. 
“This is it, now I won’t be able to keep up with my work-out schedule”. 

So OF COURSE, this gave me stress, uncertainty, insecurity and it made me doubt myself. My abilities, me as a person. 

But then I actually thought to myself, is this true? And if these things are true, they aren’t true for all the 7.7 billion people on this earth. So what could be equally true, what would be an alternate truth I would 100% believe? What I came up was:
“Now more than ever people need support.”
“This is an opportunity since it creates time for people to reflect on what they want and make some changes in their lives.” 
“Even if I would live close to my parents, with this quarantine going on, I wouldn’t be able to visit them anyway.” 
“I can do work-outs from home since the studio I went to is offering classes through Facebook Live and now I can do the classes at a time that works for me”. 

Let me tell you, this made a huge difference. It’s changing the way I approach myself and my business. I signed up for a program to expand my coaching abilities, to grow myself. I started something new, I created my first macrame wallhanging. I did something I loved doing as a kid: I finished a 1000 pieces puzzle. I am working out regularly and I have multiple virtual dates with my friends and family. AND I also have moments where I do absolutely nothing more than watching series on Netflix. 

And today I spoke to someone who originally is from Bergamo, IT. And she mentioned that the people there, are doing the same, they’re looking at all the things they DO HAVE and don’t let their situation determine how they feel. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you would never feel sadness or stress (which is also ok to feel) but know that you do have a CHOICE in what you’re thinking and therefore what you’re feeling. 

So while I’m writing this, I actually feel immense gratitude. I’m grateful for living in a nice apartment, for not having financial difficulties, for technology, for being able to do what I love and for Gordon who now works from home and cooks me meals ;) 

I would love it if you would share what your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are during these times. 

Also, here are some tips on what helped me get out of my own way on some days:  

• Do something that has nothing to do with work. Maybe think back to what you loved doing as a kid and do that. For example, I loved playing the SuperNintendo or puzzling or reading. And I have been doing a lot of this. 

• Try something new. Something you’ve never done before but you had on your ‘some day-list’. Last week I created my first macrame wall hanging. And it was so soothing and satisfying to create something new. 

• Have a social call with your family and/or friends at least every other day. 

• Dress up, do your hair and make-up (for me just putting up lipstick does the trick). It really makes a big difference. And of course, you’ll have some days that you won’t bother, that’s ok. Last Sunday I spent the whole day in my sweatpants with a fleece sweater, but on Monday I decided to dress up and I felt ready to tackle my Monday and the rest of the week.

• If working out at a studio is something you loved doing because of the community feel. Think about joining an online group or attend classes through Facebook live or IGTV. The studio I went to, is now offering classes through Facebook Live and I love it. It keeps me accountable in a certain way AND makes me feel like I’m still part of a community.

• Take a course or learn something that you’ve always wanted or were interested in work-related. What is something you’ve dreamt of, but never did? Go look for that and sign up for a (free) course. 

• And MOST IMPORTANTLY: Have days where you do absolutely nothing and thoroughly enjoy it. Where you just live from moment to moment and do what you WANT to do. If that looks like staying in your PJ’s all day, having breakfast for dinner or binging a complete season of your favorite series, know it’s all ok! 

When to go back to your why

You know that moment when all of a sudden you achieve or accomplish something on your ‘dream-list’ or ‘goal-list’? 

This month has been like that for me. The last 1,5 years I’ve been working towards becoming a certified coach and this month I’ve received my certification. Besides this, I’ve also co-hosted my first event and gave my first coaching workshop to a group of wonderful women. Something I’ve always wanted to do ‘someday’. And all of a sudden, I found myself being able to check off these two (in my eyes) big things from my so-called Dream List.

However, in the days that followed, I didn’t really feel extremely happy, proud or excited. It almost felt like some kind of loss. I thought I was being a weirdo, for not feeling immediate happiness, pride or relief even. And questions like ‘now what?’ and ‘what’s next?’ popped into my head. 

So while realizing this, instead of letting my Gremlins take over, I decided to take a step back. To take a couple of days, a week even, to slow down and to not start anything new. This turned out to be exactly what I needed since it opened up space to explore, to prioritize and to revisit my ‘Why’ again. I realized I hadn’t looked at it in a while and it needed a bit of reshaping. 

I could feel and hear my passion, I gained clarity around what my next steps will be and I was able to articulate clearly what my why is. And even though I haven’t added anything just yet to my Dream List, I feel confident, calmer and a bit of excitement in my stomach for what’s next. 

Giving myself permission to not rush things, feel my feelings and not go all-out Gremlin on myself was a big win in itself. It allowed me to create the space needed for what’s next. And, very importantly, it allowed me to arrive at my celebration party at my own pace! 

So whenever you reach a milestone (no matter what that looks like for you, how big or small it is), and you feel deflated and maybe even a bit anxious about what’s next, know that this might be the moment to first be still and even go back. Back to yourself and to your why. Because it all starts with your why and you can map out your path from there. 

Simon Sinek was right by saying to start with why.

Why it’s important to define your own definition of success

We are so quick to judge if someone is successful or not. We take a look at the job they’re having, the clothes they’re wearing, the house they’re living in or the car they’re driving. Having a high-performance job, wealth, big things, and being busy. It’s all a sign of success. But is this truly what success looks like?

I personally, really believe it’s dangerous to keep up this ‘definition’ of success or portraying this image of what it looks like to be successful. The danger lies in the fact that this vision overrules all other definitions of success. This means that everyone is striving to achieve this and if they don’t live up to this expectation of what success is by society, they beat themselves up. They think they are unsuccessful, not good enough, unworthy and they will feel ashamed of not reaching that level of success. I think we have to stray away from believing that being successful equals having a lot of money or having a high performing job. It can be, for some people, but it’s totally ok if this is not for you. 

Therefore, I think it’s really important to connect with yourself, to look inwards and not outwards. To ask yourself: 

“What does success mean to me?”
“What does success look like to me?”
“When will I feel fulfilled?”

Once you’ve answered these questions, write down your ‘definition of success’. And when you’ve written down your definition, put it somewhere you will see it every day. 

By establishing clearly what you define as success, you will start making decisions that support your vision. It will help you see the things you are doing and are working on, instead of seeing all that you’re not doing or don’t have. It helps you take charge of your life and it will make you feel good about yourself. It allows you to follow your own time-line. 

And remember, success can look like a lot of things, it might differ from day to day and it’s certainly different for everyone!  

I would love to hear your thoughts about this and would love it if you would share your definition of success with me. 

This is my definition:
“Success to me is the ability to be free in designing my days, and therefore my life, in accordance with my values and the ability to go wherever I want to, alone and together with my partner. Success is feeling good about the big AND small decisions I make on a daily basis, even though they might be hard or scary. Success is trying new things, things I’ve never done before, but my heart is longing for. When my heart is pounding and I get a tingly feeling of excitement and aliveness, I just know, it’s worth it. But most of all success to me is spreading kindness and helping others.”

The end of a year, the beginning of a new decade

I know, a bit predictable, but: I can’t believe it’s almost 2020. Not only will we be heading into a new year, but we will be heading into a whole new decade. 

How fascinating the concept of time is, right!?

And to end the year, I actually wanted to write out a little exercise, for you to check in with yourself and feel grounded before you head into the new year. It will only take a couple of minutes, but make sure you are comfortable and are able to completely focus on yourself. 

Ready?

• Stand up, make sure your feet are fully in contact with the ground - your heels and all 10 toes are touching. Your back is straight, arms and hands hang just beside your body. Close your eyes and think about where in your life you were this time last year. What were you doing? Who was around you? And what were you feeling? 

• Then take two steps forward and reset. Think about where in your life you were 6 months ago. What was going on, what can you remember from that day, half a year ago? How did you feel, who were you then?

• Take two steps to your right and feel the ground underneath your feet. What was happening with you 1 month ago? What were you feeling, experiencing? 

• Then take 4 steps to the left and stand up straight, reset. Think about where you were 1 week ago. What were you doing, how were you feeling and you may even remember what you were thinking about. 

• Take 4 steps back and close your eyes again, reset. Think about what you were experiencing Yesterday. What were you feeling, what emotions came up for you? 

And now, open your eyes. Check in with yourself and what you are noticing right now. What is happening in your body, what images or thoughts come up in your mind? 

In what way are you a different ‘you’ today, in this moment?

This exercise is meant to create some self-awareness. Awareness of how much you’ve grown, on the progress you’ve made and all the emotions you’ve experienced. 

One thing is certain: change. You’re always changing. You don’t even think or feel the same as you did one minute ago. Change is certain and inevitable. 

So before you go all out setting goals for 2020 (and I’m not saying you shouldn’t set goals), make sure you know what you feel and want in this moment first, knowing that you only ever truly have control over this moment right now. 

What do you want for yourself in these last days of 2019? 
What are you choosing in this moment?

What if...

But, what if…?

For those who know me well, know that this is something I often say. I’m always thinking ahead, thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong. And then I find myself looking for solutions for those problems that haven’t even happened yet. And yes, I’m blaming my law background. 

When Gordon and I  went on our trip to Iceland, we wanted to drive to Landmannalaugar (the heart of the Icelandic Highlands). However, we’ve rented a car and their disclaimer mentioned that you’re not allowed to drive through water with the car. So of course, on our route, we had to drive through water. I panicked and said we couldn’t do it because it’s not according to the rules. What if we got stuck and then the car would break, we would have to pay a lot of money and we are liable. So it could potentially turn into a legal battle and a court case. And what if then we lost and we would be broke and not able to pay for our rent and groceries. 

I know, it spiraled pretty quickly…

If you’re like me, I’m pretty sure this sounds familiar and that you also find yourself jumping to conclusions or creating solutions for problems that aren’t even there. And even though it’s understandable, our brain is making up all these thoughts to keep us safe and to prevent bad things from happening to us, it keeps us from trying new things. From stepping out of our comfort zone. 

So it’s all about what we do next that is important. Creating awareness around this, around your thoughts, is the first step. Notice your spiraling thoughts. The second step is making the decision to act differently. To not listen to those thoughts, but to what could open up for you instead.
You can choose to not live life according to all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘shoulds’. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and trust yourself that you’re able to handle all that comes next. 

What would open up for you when you start looking for all that’s possible instead of for all the things that could go wrong?

* And for those who are wondering how our Icelandic adventure ended: I noticed my thoughts and the pattern of it and then I decided it would be highly unlikely that we would end up homeless. So we went for it anyway (unfortunately, we had to turn around about 1 hour in though, because then it wasn’t just a water crossing anymore, but a whole lake). And you know what, nothing bad happened. 

How to free yourself from the ‘comparison-trap’

Let’s be real for a second. We all want certain things. Whether it is a successful career,  a certain amount of money on our bank account, a family, a (big) house, travel the world. And when we see people around us who have these things, it’s difficult to not feel envious. However, feeling envious (or maybe even a little jealous) is not the problem, beating ourselves up because of it, is. Especially when we’re stuck in a vicious circle of comparing ourselves to others, which makes us feel bad about ourselves and therefore we aren’t feeling confident enough to achieve the thing we want. 

Comparing ourselves to others has always been around (yes even before social media). But I do believe it has become a lot easier to have a look into someone’s life. Trust me, I get the feeling of endlessly scrolling through Instagram, while sitting on the sofa in my PJs, eating chocolate and chips, don’t judge ;) while sulking and complaining about all the things I haven’t achieved that others have. 

Since we’re all humans, who yearn for connection and belonging, comparison will always be in the picture. I don’t think it’s just something we will be able to fully stop doing. But there are things you can do that will help you feel less bad about yourself or inspire you to learn and grow from it. 

• Remember that you’re comparing your ‘bad times’ or ‘failures’ with other people’s successes.
  When you do this, you’re able to let go of the story in your head that other people never fail or never doubt themselves and that everything they try will be an immediate success. Start with a reality-check and look for the truth behind the photo or success-story.

• Check in with yourself and your values.
  Turn inwards and ask yourself if what you see other people do, is really what you WANT to do. Write out the lifestyle YOU want for yourself.
  For example, when I’m comparing myself with someone who works for a (tech)company and has a very demanding and successful career, I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing a good enough job and that working from home is actually not a real career.
  So then I’ll check in with myself and my values. I then remind myself that my values of being flexible and having freedom are my priority at this moment in my life. Because I’m working from home, I’m able to honor these values.

• Give that other person an acknowledgment or compliment.
  Whenever you express what you’re admiring in someone else and are able to celebrate someone’s success, it will release the grip comparison has over you. Showing kindness and empathy really is the way to go.

• See it as a way to learn and grow yourself.
  Whenever you see someone do something you would really like to do or achieve yourself, ask yourself the following questions. What can I learn from that person that will help me grow? 

And, what is that person doing that I am not and in what way can I take this on myself? Or, as my friend mentioned: ‘elegant stealing’. Be inspired and then bring your unique self into it.
And don’t hesitate to ask that person, if he or she is someone you know. They’re probably happy to share their insights and their story. 

In the end, the most important thing is that you tune in with yourself. That you compare yourself to who you were 5 years ago, a year ago, 6 months ago or even Yesterday. I bet you’ll surprise yourself.

What story are you telling yourself?

Oh, how we all love stories. And we don’t only love to hear other people’s stories, but we also LOVE making up stories for ourselves. And we’re not one bit bothered by if these stories that we tell ourselves are real, the truth or even if they are serving us. 

So, let me tell you a story: The day before I went on vacation at the end of August, I tried to set up my autoreply. However, I made a mistake, and the whole system went wild. Apparently, it sent out multiple auto-replies to everyone in my mailbox, I spammed everyone. 

I FREAKED out. I was mad at myself, I was being annoyed at my partner and I even cried. I seriously thought this was the worst thing. This would mean that people now all got spammed by me. They would now think I was incapable as a coach and wouldn’t want to work with me anymore. Because who can’t set up their auto-reply properly? They would think I’m unprofessional. I was just not yet looking for another career… 

And then I stopped, looked at myself, looked at my partner and said… OMG, this is just another story I’m making up in my head right now. The story that as a professional (coach) I can’t allow myself to make (easily preventable) mistakes. 

I realized that this story is absolute nonsense. It’s not a fact, it’s not the truth, and it’s not serving me at all. EVERYONE can make mistakes. So I chose to not play the main victim of this story anymore. I let my partner help me set the auto-reply up properly and wrote a short e-mail, telling everyone that my system went wild and that I apologized for spamming everyone. That it won’t happen again (now I do know how it works, haha). 

I got some kind responses back, people telling me that it can happen and not to worry about it, and none of my clients have stopped working with me. And now, 3 weeks later, I barely think about this little incident. 

I know we all do this. 
We tell ourselves that we’re not good enough for that job, promotion, or for that man or woman.
We tell ourselves that we still need to gain more knowledge before we can take the next step. 
That if we make a mistake, other people perceive us as unsuccessful, unprofessional or unworthy.
That we still need to gain more knowledge before we start our own company, give that workshop or launch that course. 
That if we make a mistake, other people perceive us as unsuccessful, unprofessional or unworthy, or if we are confident, others will think we’re arrogant.  

So whatever story you’re telling yourself, YOU have the power to change the ending. Or the beginning, or the middle part or even the whole damn story. You always have a choice and if the story you’re telling yourself is not the truth, not a fact or not serving you in any way, change it. 

So in Brené Brown’s words: What story are you telling yourself?
And what is the story you want it to be?

Why dreaming is important

Remember the days you were a kid and people asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up? 

You probably were able to answer this question without (much) hesitation and could even describe in detail what that would look like, what you would be doing and how you would feel. Whatever it was that you wanted to be (a doctor, an astronaut, a rockstar, a mum, a princess, etc.) you weren’t scared to let others know about this and you didn’t doubt for a second if it would be possible. 

What happened to that kid? 
What happened to those dreams? 
What happened to daring to state them out loud?
What happened to not doubting yourself? 
What happened to not feeling ashamed?
What happened to not being scared to fail?

I know how it feels to lose track of your dreams, wanting to meet expectations and being scared of failing. It’s really easy to just ‘settle’ for something. And there is also ‘real-life’. But when I finally dared to truly listen to myself, I knew that it was time to let my dreams back in. While reconnecting with myself I started to see how important dreaming is and how useful it is for creating a vision for my life.

This doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of failing or that I’m not worried about letting other people down. But it does mean that I can be afraid and still take action, that I’m worried and at times insecure and still put myself out there. Because not striving for my dreams would mean letting myself down.

A year ago I just finished the Fundamentals coaching course. My first actual action step towards one of my dreams: to have my own coaching-practice and work with others to create the life they envision for themselves. 

Fast forward to today: I started Morgen coaching and I’m working with people to create their life-vision, help them figure out what is important to them, who they want to be in their life, what they want to do and how to do this. 

Now, of course, it’s still early days for Morgen coaching and I still want and need to learn more and expand on my skills. But it definitely is a start and it’s real. My dream is no longer ‘just a dream’.

My request to you is: Will you take a moment for yourself, to connect with your inner-child and explore the dreams you’ve had and/or the new dreams you maybe didn’t allow yourself to have? Will you visualize what you look like, what you’re doing and how you feel as if you’ve achieved that dream already? 

So whatever your dream is, big or small, allow yourself to have full access to it and start creating. One dream at a time.

How to build a lasting self-care routine

Self-care, you see it almost everywhere. When you scroll through social media, go online (a quick google gave 2.5 billion results) and even out in the ‘real’ world. Personally, I get a bit resistant and itchy when some expressions become super popular. However, self-care is a bit different to me, I think it’s important to practice self-care since it will give you a different perspective on how you look at and feel about yourself. I truly believe it can result in self-love. And this is something that I wish for everyone. To be happy and feel confident with who you are and the way you look. 

Of course, it’s easier said than done. Self-love is a belief or feeling that is manifested inside yourself. So it’s also really easy to fool others and yourself. Because even though you act confident or say you feel good about yourself, doesn’t mean that this is actually true. So this is where practicing self-care comes in. By practicing this on a daily basis, you will rewire your brain and you will learn to look at yourself in a different and better way.  

Take it from me, if I’m able to set up a self-care routine and change my thinking about myself, you can do this too! That’s why I decided to share some of the things that have helped me to practice self-care daily. 

• Take it slow. This is something I had to practice myself. Often when I feel like I want certain things to change, I think of all the things that can help me and then I try to integrate everything at once. Which, of course, results in me quitting after a couple of days. I can’t keep up with all the changes. That’s when I decided that it’s better to integrate one new thing and stick to it until it has become an actual habit. So don’t try to integrate 10 new things at once. Just start with one thing you know you’ll be able to do every day and do this well. After a while you can add onto it. 

• Try different things. It’s really important that you find something that you actually like and that works for you. Don’t compare yourself to others or think you have to do the things that others do. Maybe (or probably) your self-care looks different from everyone else’s. So try different things and don’t be afraid to move onto something else if you don’t enjoy yourself. For me, I decided that I wanted to integrate working out into my routine. So I’ve tried a couple of different things, like yoga, personal training, Muay Thai and even CrossFit before I was introduced to The Dailey Method. And that’s when I knew: this is it for me. I really feel comfortable going into the studio and taking the classes, everyone is so open and kind. Trust yourself that when it’s right you’ll know!

• Find the rhythm that works for you. Some prefer to practice self-care in the morning, others in the evening and some will schedule in a break during the day. For me, I tried several things in the morning, but I often forgot because I like to get up and immediately start work. So then I tried evenings, but often after a full day I, for example, didn’t really feel like working out anymore. So now I schedule most of my work-outs around 9:30/10:00AM. This way I can still get up and do some work, and then do a work-out as my first break. 

• Say yes to yourself. When you say yes to something you always say no to something else. We just can’t do multiple things at the same time, even though we often think we can multi-task ;) So especially when you say yes to something that you don’t really feel like doing, you are saying no to yourself. So remind yourself of this. You are worthy of scheduling moments for yourself.

And one last thing, take it day by day. You will probably still have days that you don’t feel your most confident self or that you just feel meh. Know that this is ok. Be gentle with yourself because tomorrow will be a beautiful new day.

I would love to hear your thoughts on how you make sure that you stick to your self-care routine. 

Let’s talk feelings

One of the main aspects within Co-Active coaching is being with your client and their feelings. This also means that you have to be able to be with your own feelings and emotions. And instead of focussing on ‘fixing it’, ‘finding solutions’ or even steering yourself away from unwanted emotions, it’s better to be with the feelings and allowing yourself to really feel it. Because for it to get better, you have to go through it. 

So lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I deal with my emotions and feelings. I feel that I am honest and I’m not afraid to share my opinion on things. And at times you could even say I got the hang of the whole Brené Brown’s vulnerability-thing. While I’m not afraid to tell others that I’m having a certain feeling or emotion, for me to actually feel it and to let it out is a different story. For starters, I will push aside feelings like sadness or disappointment, I will tell myself that I don’t have anything to complain about, that other people have real problems, so I’m supposed to be fine and when I cry I often apologize for it.

With this realization, I decided that I needed to work on actually feeling my feelings and emotions. To work through it and to not explain or analyze it with my head. So I’ve been checking in with my body regularly, closing my eyes and sitting in a comfortable position and to do some sort of body-scan. Also, I’ve been talking about this more with people around me and opened up about how I feel. And most importantly, I have been working on not apologizing for feeling the way I feel anymore. So with taking this on more seriously, I’ve experienced working through my emotions and I have been able to take away some of the emotional charge (which for some things, I didn’t even realize I was still having strong feelings). I guess I’m starting to experience what it is to actually let go. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is: don’t ever apologize for how you’re feeling. Your emotions are not meant to be compared to how others might be feeling and your feelings are valid, no matter the situation you’re in. 

Oh, and in case you need a reminder, this isn’t only the case for ‘unwanted’ or ‘sad’ feelings. This also goes for positive or celebratory feelings!

How do you feel about this?

The bravery of asking for help

Asking for help... Why is it that we always think we have to do it alone? Are we so afraid of how other people see us and what they think about us? Afraid of coming off as weak, and not taken seriously. So much so, that we’re willing to sacrifice our own well being, our own state of mind. And we’re actually robbing ourselves of living our life to the fullest in that time.

I know I did that. I did think I could manage figuring out what kind of career I wanted to pursue (or even what I wanted to do in life or what would fulfill me) by myself. But every time I thought I did know, something would happen that would make me change my mind. Everything came crashing down again and I felt like I was back at the beginning again. I still remember having the same discussion with my partner, over and over again. Until I decided to ask for help. It gave me new insights, new perspectives, and clarity. And that’s when I really moved forward.

But I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to ask for help. If anyone would come up to me and ask me for help, I would be happy to help. I would never think: omg, why is that weak person asking me for help. I wouldn’t dare to ask: ‘have you tried solving this by yourself?’ Of course, I would help. No doubt about that.

I firmly believe in the idea of being vulnerable to people who’ve earned your trust. I do believe in the quote: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. It’s true. Talking with others and asking for ‘help’ gives you other perspectives, it widens your view. It can help you think of other ideas, you may make other decisions and you’ll learn new things about yourself. I definitely believe it adds value and I also believe that sometimes you just need to vent. You need to let it all out and even hearing yourself say things out loud, might be what you need in that moment.

To me, with asking for help, you’re showing vulnerability and this is the core of courage. It’s not weak, it’s brave as f*ck!

What fairy tale are you telling yourself?

When I moved from the Netherlands to Canada, I had this image in my head. A vision that my life would be completely different. That I would finally become unstuck in my career. That this would be my chance to shine, to do great things. Honestly, I kind of expected that everything would magically change for the better. Basically, I would wake up one day and I would know what I wanted in life and have a fulfilling career, only because I changed countries.

I’m sorry to those who were hoping, just like I did, for a fairy tale ending (or should I say fairy tale beginning?), but of course, this didn’t happen. Because a mindset isn’t something that will change out of itself. You have to put in the work, you have to do some soul searching and you have to start listening to yourself. You have to be willing to dive deep. And most importantly, you have to know that you need to do these things. So for the first 1,5 years, I kept running around in circles. And I was really surprised and frustrated as to why nothing changed. I was angry at myself and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I was also annoyed with my surroundings and was blaming my circumstances. It was easy to blame others and search for the quick fix anywhere else but within me.

But now, after a long period of exploring and interviewing myself and even asking for help, I can honestly say that I know what is important to me. That I know what my values are. I’m noticing when I’m not honoring my values in a certain aspect of my life and that’s when I know that I then need to re-evaluate. I will sit down, sometimes even take pen and paper and ask myself: What am I doing? Where am I not honoring myself? What do I want? What do I want it to look like? And what are my possibilities?

I ask myself all these questions in light of my newly created vision. A vision of having a fulfilling career as a coach, where I add value to other people’s life's, where I don’t let perfection overrule, where I believe learning is better than performing, where I’m kind to the people around me and most of all a vision of being kind, loving and accepting towards myself.

So in a way, my vision became reality, but not before creating and believing it myself.

Now I’m asking you: What are you willing to do for your life’s vision?

How to thrive on change

As the weather here is slowly transitioning from Winter to Spring, I can’t help but feel that’s not the only transition going on. Change can be a scary thing and, I have to admit, I have a love/hate relationship with it. On the one hand I LOVE change, but on the other hand, I want to keep everything as it is. Contradiction much?

Often with change comes doubt, insecurities, and possibly some (or a lot of) stress. Which is understandable, transitioning often means doing new things, stretching yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. A new rhythm has to be created. And although I still haven’t figured out the ‘perfect’ way to handle change (and I guess that will never really happen), I’ve found some ways to get a better grip or even thrive on these periods of change in my life.

• Keep/integrate (a part of) your routine or habit. That a certain part of your life has changed, doesn’t mean that your whole life should be upside down. Try to figure out what kind of habits or routines you had and really enjoyed before the change. Continue to do these things or integrate it into your new life. For example, when you move to another city or country you have to deal with a lot of new things. Technically your whole life changed. Check in to see what kind of things you loved to do in your home city/country and find a way to integrate these things in your new life. Did you love reading books? Maybe look for a book-club to join. Did you love doing yoga? Try out a yoga class at the nearest yoga center. This way you’ll bring a piece of habit with you.

• Start your day with writing down what you appreciate about this change. You can even add what you’re grateful for in your life in general. Focussing on the positive aspect or outcome of the change (maybe even from a perspective that the positive result already has come true) will help you pay less attention to the stress or doubt it brings. And since you’re actively paying attention to the positive aspects, your perspective will change. A change of perspective often helps to overcome the mountains you’re seeing. Because instead of looking up to the mountain and seeing the whole climb ahead of you, it now might be possible to look down from the top!

• Build in a 5-10 meditation session. I’ve never been much of a meditator, but a month ago I decided to give it a go. And I have to admit, it really helps me to build in a moment of quiet and peace. After the session, I feel like I can handle more and can keep my stress to a manageable level. It keeps me grounded. I’m using the app Waking Up from Sam Harris and I really enjoy it. But there are many other apps out there, so I’m sure you’ll find one that is to your liking.

Of course, you will have good days but, you will still have some bad days. Even though you’ve tried everything and more, you can't help but have this overwhelmed feeling. And that’s totally fine. Accept that some days are better than others, and be extra kind to yourself on that day. Just take it one day at a time. Your tomorrow will be and feel different!

Perfectly imperfect

Perfection, something almost everyone strives to be or do. We all want to excel at something and we all want the things we do, or even who we are, to be (perceived as) perfect. But what is perfection anyway? What might be perfect to me, might not be perfect to you. It is subjective, it’s often in the eye of the beholder.

To me, my need to excel and to be perfect at what I’m doing, has held me back for a long time. I didn’t dare to act on my wishes or dreams, because I thought my take on it or my execution wouldn’t be perfect. Instead of going out and taking action I stayed in this comfortable place of not doing anything at all, while thinking off all the things I wanted to do. If only I could be perfect at it... And let me tell you, this comfy place and putting things off doesn’t magically lead you to perfection.

I guess we all know that perfection isn’t a realistic thing to strive for. Often it holds us back and limits our potential. After all, learning, improving and continuing to show up, is way more important than ‘perfection’. At least, when I look at others, that’s what impresses me. And I’m more attracted to people who dare to put themselves out there and be vulnerable, then to those who think everything has to be perfect.

So I decided to change my approach to perfection and stepped out of my comfort zone. Here’s what helped me along the way.

• Envision what would be the worst case scenario. This really helped me a lot. Every time I want to bring something of myself out into the world (and I’m noticing I’d rather not do it because it’s not yet perfect), I ask myself “what would be the worst that could happen?”. And as long as none of these scenarios involve, death, losing my home, hurting others, not being able to buy food, I’m good. And I will take the risk.

• Talk about it. First of all, when you say things out loud it takes away some of the fear you’ve build up in your head. Because in your mind, things often seem scarier. Also, when you speak to someone about it (a good friend, your partner, someone you trust or even a stranger), you connect on a deeper level. You often will hear that you’re not alone in this. That they can relate and feel the same way.

• See it as a learning experience instead of a need to perform. Someone I met in my coaching course, recently told me this. She mentioned that whenever fear of failure and of not being perfect came up, she would change her perspective. From needing to perform (perfectly) to seeing it as a learning experience. This gives you permission to not be perfect and to make mistakes, from which you then will learn.

• Collect no’s. This was actually an exercise that my coach suggested to me. Go out there and collect as many no’s as you can. In the beginning it’s really uncomfortable and you’ll feel like you’ve failed when you indeed receive a no. But along the way you get accustomed to it. It will change the way you look at it and it will change the weightiness of a ‘rejection’.

And above all, don’t underestimate who you already are. Be grateful for who you are in this moment and go from this place. You are perfectly imperfect!

If you have any lessons or thoughts around perfection, please let me know in the comments. I would love to hear them and, of course, I’m always open to improving myself ;)